Following are words and phrases that make adopted people (and mothers) want to bang their head in frustration when it comes to adoption. This collection (some with accompanying comment, and some without) is mainly from adopted people and some mothers, putting all the nonsensical phrases together so that everyone can see how unfriendly, degrading, and offensive the statements are.
1 Do you know your real parents? — One are my “real” parents, and one is my “real” adoptive parents. My “real” adoptive parents didn’t birth me, and sadly my “real” parents did not parent me.
2 You’re lucky to be adopted — Yep it rocks losing your mother/family at birth. Do you also tell children who lost their Mothers/family to death how lucky they are too or just those you happen to feel were unwanted?
3 You were chosen — My adoptive parents were infertile and had tried for years. ANY healthy newborn would do not just myself. Truth is they “chose” to have one of their own I was just the next infant in line and they had the check. They settled.
4 Do you know how much you cost? — Yes I do. I also know how much the dog cost too. Thanks for reminding me.
5 Do you know how much you were wanted? — They wanted their own. I would do though. Adoption is not most adoptive parents first choice and its certainly not a newborns first choice. Once again they settled.
6 She loved you enough to give you up — Oh wonderful, I’ll have to tell all my kept sibs older, younger and even adopted. Bet they’ll be jealous I was the only ONE she loved just enough.
7 What a selfless sacrifice — Takes on a whole new meaning when you ARE the sacrificed. I love my mother but she was not brave or selfless, she was desperate and rolled the dice with my well being.
8 Jesus was adopted — By whom? Scripture please.
9 Moses was adopted — Yep and we see how that turned out. I guess you forget the part where he not only goes back to his own people, but grows into the very mouth piece of God himself, who then goes on to smite all of his adoptive family and all who stood with them only to lead his true tribe to the Promised Land.
10 You were not “given up” you were placed — Adoptees are told ad nauseum from day one that adoption is a gift, that we are gifts. Why then do people have such a negative reaction when an adoptee says they were “Given Up”? Gifts are given and unless we were removed, sold or kidnapped, she “gave“. Relinquished, gifted , put up for, placed, given up, surrendered, sacrificed, graced up, given away, given out, handed out, donated, blessed up, entrusted, offered up, made an adoption plan or paying it forward. In the end they all mean the same, no amount PC adoption language can ever change that. No need to fluff it up.
11 Do your parents celebrate “Gotcha Day? — When I was younger, only by a different name. Never quite understood if we were celebrating my loss or their gain. Gotcha is fitting by definition though. Gotcha? gotﾂｷcha (gch) interj. Used to indicate understanding or to signal the fact of having caught or defeated another. A game or endeavor in which one party seeks to catch another out, as in a mistake or lie.
12 Blood/DNA doesn’t matter — If this were true we would happily walk away with any baby they hand us after giving birth. Wouldn’t matter bio or not. No they are very careful to follow certain procedures to give them their own blood child. So blood/DNA must matter. Its natures way.
13 We prayed for you to find us — Really? Who prays for a infant to lose its mother so they can parent.
14 We dreamed of adopting a newborn — Your dream is a newborns worse nightmare. We may learn to live without our mothers, but at birth she our universe.
15 You should be thankful you weren’t aborted — Great I have to waste my brain cells dealing with some dunderhead telling me to be glad I wasn’t aborted. Do you tell all to be glad they weren’t or just those YOU happen to believe were unwanted. I don’t think I have ever told another human to be thankful they weren’t aborted.
16 At church when my pastors young bio daughter died. I can not tell you how many people, most who know I am adopted, said “So sad. You know she was their only real child”. Yeah I know, so do ALL their other adopted children.
17 Aren’t you grateful? — I am as grateful for my adoption as my adoptive parents are for their defective reproduction organs.
18 “Our birth mother” — You do not have a birth mother unless of course you yourself are adopted or you also procured the Mother.
19 Do you have ANY positive feelings or experiences towards your adoption? — After pondering I have come up with three …
My DNA never swam in their deficient gene pool.
My procurer never stuck her all but dry breast in my mouth.
My private beginnings were not posted for an eternity to the WWW by adoptive parents fishing for accolades for their supposed heroic deed.
20 I detest being told anything along the lines of “At least she gave you life.”
21 I hate when kids of celebrities are referred to as their “adopted children”.
22 “You’re special.”
23 Also, “You were chosen.” — I don’t believe I was “chosen”; I was simply the next girl available to be placed.
24 “You’re so lucky.” 🙄 Like what’s lucky about being abandoned on your birthday? Please explain. The general public just doesn’t get it, because adoption has been viewed as “the most wonderful selfless act”.
25 “It was for the best.”
26 “Forever family”.
27 “I wish I was adopted.” So many respond and shut me down with this.
28 “Is this behavior genetic?”
29 “Do you know your real mom?” I appreciate the recognition that we once had another mom and it’s just confusing. I have two moms, one isn’t more real than another. They’re both significant.
30 “It was God’s plan.”
31 “That’s so cool.”
32 “Aren’t you glad you weren’t aborted?” Or any variation of the adoption is better than abortion argument.
33 “Your mom was brave.”
34 “You have a loving family.” FYI loving families, loving people can also have issues!!
35 “So where are you actually from?”
36 “Those aren’t your “real” parents. “ They raised me so yes they are… in terms of a DNA aspect no.
37 “You’re a spy.”
38 “Gosh you’re so lucky, you need to be thankful.”
40 Adoption plan.
41 “You were chosen.”
42 “Adoption is beautiful.”
43 Brave Love/selfless.
44 “What’s your real name?”
45 “TOUCHED by adoption???”
46 “Baby as a GIFT!!!”
47 “But you love your adoptive parents, right?”
48 To HAPs when there’s a “failed adoption” … “There will always be another one.”
49 I was not wanted they wanted a son but the agency would not separate me and him so they took me to get him and I was told from day one I was not wanted.
50 DNA doesn’t matter … Or love makes a family. While that can be true, I hate when is used in adoptionland.
51 “Tummy mommy” I’d rather get called a uterus mommy (bad joke I would hate to be called that).
52 “Born in my heart.”
53 “Loved (you) so much she gave you up.”
54 In my case I was “chosen” (tongue in cheek) because I was a private adoption but “grateful” and “lucky” I absolutely loathe!!! Every time I tell someone I was adopted I was told those two words, every time.
55 Being (called) ungrateful for speaking about my birth mother with love, and its usually people who don’t even know me.
56 When I was a child and started talking about adoption other children were bullying me calling Satan’s baby because I was adopted. 😢 That word still makes me feel awful.
57 “Your parents are the ones who raised you” (no they’re not, they were actually my aunt & uncle, but even if they weren’t, a piece of paper didn’t turn them into my “parents”).
58 “Adopted child” when referring to an adult. We stop being children when we turn 18.
59 “You made a selfless, loving decision in making an adoption plan for your baby.” If you hated your child, you would have kept him?
60 This one also bugs me …. “Placing your child for adoption was the most loving thing you could have ever done.”
61 Abduction during birthing? Sure! I planned that. FFS Pushed off a cliff and planning tomorrows luncheon? Of course! We were capable of making a baby-abdonment plan but not aware of the ambush that awaited us in L&D Wards! Every time I hear this “PLAN” victim-blaming perp bullshyt, my knees buckle. Like I must have planned to be drugged and raped. Oh, FFS I really want to beat the crap out of that SW who worked at CAS but she’d be too stupid to understand.
62 “She loved you so much that she left you.”
63 “Your adopted family saved you!”
64 “Why do you need to know your real parents?”
65 “You’re so ugly she just threw you away.”
66 “You were bought.”
67 She took one look at you and threw you away.
68 “She’s scrambled eggs.”
69 When my mother-in-law found out I was adopted she said “We don’t know what she is. We need to give her a DNA test so I know what my grandchildren are”!!! Umm wow…
70 I had a similar one from my nearly mother in law, when she found out I was adopted she asked me if I know my birth family because she didn’t want her grandchildren to be troubled 🙄 and my ex wasn’t saying anything he just stood there agreeing even though he knew how I was feeling about adoption. Just to tell you I broke up the same day. I had the wedding cancelled. It pained me to lose him but I couldn’t have that in my life.
71 “Is your sister your “real” sister?”
72 “Have you been back to India?” Some people think they are a allowed to dig deep into my most private story, just because of my brown color. I was adopted (bought) from India to Denmark. Denmark was in 1970, 80 and 90 a completely white society. It has been a hell.
73 My adoptive dad’s family always describing me as his “adopted” daughter.
74 From an adoptive family member …. “You know, in the big picture, you really didn’t really have it ……….”. Then they stopped as they saw the anger building up in me.
75 “Just get over it!”
76 “It’s no big deal!”
77 “Adoption is a ‘win’ for everyone involved.”
78 Emom doesn’t want to parent.
79 If we don’t adopt them, someone else will.
80 You don’t know my story.
81 We can’t have children.
82 Our story is unusual, because we weren’t looking to adopt. But X called us and asked us to adopt. (You know because it’s common to randomly receive requests from people wanting someone to adopt their unborn child).
83 That Baby Scoop Era mothers “gave” their babies away.
84 Coming from a “deacon” in the church: “Bad blood”. Said about my brother (non blood but also adopted) brother. This “pillar of society” adopted FIVE children and yet my brother and I had bad blood.
85 “At least she didn’t abort you.”
86 “She gave you life.”
87 “You dodged a bullet.”
88 “You were saved.”
89 “That is such a selfless act.”
90 “Adoption rocks.”
91 “Birthmom strong”. I’m a birth mother and this is at the top of my list.
92 I hate it when HAPs or APs say that God placed a baby in another woman’s body meant for them to adopt.
……… to be continued. There will be more for sure.